No Doubt

Years ago I took my parents out to dinner... no, actually it was the other way around,  and I asked them the question I ask all married couples I ever meet:
"How did you know each other was 'the one?'"

Abby smiled at me and said "You know, it's not necessarily thinking they are 'the one' - it's more about having no doubts." Then Dad said "Actually, we've both talked about it before. In our previous marriages, we both had doubts  from the very beginning."
"And this time round," continued Abby "there just wasn't any doubts."

Sixteen years - Abby and Dad have now been married. They live together, work together and play together - they don't seem to need time alone. Did I mention they live on a boat? I still catch the affectionate looks they bestow on each other and it makes me want to high five the universe. What fate and luck brought these two together!

(I snapped this last trip home)

This post goes out to you Ali! - and the joy that is spreading through the blog-sphere right now! And, as a reminder to myself, inspired by your post, here's to doubts and acknowledging their existence. It takes courage to listen to those tiny whispers in our mind. I look forward to the day that I meet someone, and they fall silent.

Single Lady- Surprisingly Unjaded

When I’m single, there’s nothing I enjoy more than being completely preoccupied with the thrill of the chase. Let me explain.

When you’re single, and you venture out of your home  - the air is always thick with possibility. (Especially when you haven’t had time to do your hair or makeup.) Even when you’re not thinking about it, it’s there in your subconscious. There’s a chance you might bump into a nice stranger on the street, be stalked by gorgeous customer in the supermarket, or drop a weight on a cute trainer at the gym.  And who doesn’t just love when you’re single, and boarding a plane - hoping (praying) you are seated next to a hot billionaire who accidentally sat in economy. It makes going out at night about ten times more exciting. You should try it!

The feeling is addictive. How ironic then is it that we single people are hunting the very thing that will inevitably end this thrill. Mmmm… perhaps that why I’m still single?

Or perhaps it’s because I don’t like the idea of having to close myself off from other ‘possibilities,’ or answer to someone, or compromise and worry about someone in my spare time. I love my selfish single life.

Or perhaps, and I highly suspect it is, I’m single because I just haven’t met the right person.

The one. Someone whom is even better than my selfish ways. (Not possible!) But I do want someone I can fall deeply and utterly in love with. Where the look of them, their smell or the sound of their voice all point to a button that tells me they are for me. Full Stop. Which means being wildly attracted to them. And I will want nothing more than to be in their presence; to bask in their ‘ness.’

Is it unrealistic to want a partner that is so right that I know I will NEVER look at a single lady and feel jealous? Nor will I EVER conceive or consider being with someone else, so long as I should live? (Is this even possible?)

Most importantly, I do want to see them fully - for who they truly are – warts and all, and I want them to see me – honestly, warts and all, and still be in love… perhaps even more so.

I’m worried I’ve watched one too many Nicolous Spark movie here. It’s hard to imagine this kind of love without loosing yourself completely – especially when you’re as fiercely independent as I am. And yet I don’t want to settle for anything less. I’d much rather be single. Am I setting myself up for failure? I don’t need Mr Perfect, just someone who is perfect for me. There’s a huge difference. And it doesn’t need to be now… just one day, preferably before…35? (Can I put a number on it?)

Somebody wise once told me “You don’t get to choose who you fall in love with.” (And it is possible to fall in love with the wrong person. Dangerous I’ve done it before!)

All I know is that I want my heart to flutter when I glimpse ‘the one.’ 

How do I know this kind of love exists? I don’t. But I do know something.  When I look at pictures of a certain beloved family members, they make my flutter. Not in a romantic way - obviously, but in a deep profound loving way, that means that I love them so much... it actually hurts, and the thought of losing them sends pin-pricking tears to my eyes in an instant. So I know that exists.

Plus scientists have proven that true romantic love exist… and lasts forever. They measured peoples physical reactions to looking at their spouse even after 50 years of marriage. Those in ‘true love’ still got flutters. Amazing, though surely very rare.

Lessons from Relationships Past

Note to self:

1.  Never take friendships for granted. Always make an effort to nurture and maintain friendships, even if it means sacrificing time with your partner.

2.  Have your own life, and don’t feel guilty about it. You don’t have to spend every spare minute with them. It’s actually just an excuse you’re using because you don’t want to do the work required to have your own thing happening.

3.  Ask for it. Ask for what you want. Tell them what you’re needs are – and a straight forward, positive and loving manner. Just lay it all on the table.

4.  Choose someone who is independent, driven and has an inner confidence. Someone who grounds you, rather than adding fuel to the fire.

5.  Don’t be lazy. Just because someone else can do something better than you, doesn’t give you permission to take the back seat all the time. Step up to the plate and grow together.

Put on a Red Light

This is (or was, if it sold) the bedroom of Sting and Trudy Styler’s New York apartment. They’ve been together for over 27 years (married for 17), have six children between them, and boast a famously healthy sex life. 

Their relationship fascinates me because they describe them selves as “soul-mates.” Yet, they met when Sting was already married with children. Trudy was his next door neighbor. When asked to describe their connection, Sting says “I instantly recognized who she was, that she was the woman for the rest of my life.” “I just recognized someone that I just knew who she was immediately.”

For Trudy, it wasn’t as instant, but it was “a feeling that you’ve come home.”

I remember Jerry Sienfeld saying the same thing about Jessica – that when he looked in her eyes, it felt like home.

I’m also curious about what kind of confidence a woman must possess in order to be happily married to a rock star like Sting - a man who tours the world, and can have sex with just about any woman he chooses. Personally, I’d find it hard, but Sting swears he’s a serial monogamist.  He also says about Trudy: “I want to die with this woman still loving me.”  (Oh swoon! How romantic.)

 

In an interview on Oprah years ago, Sting and Trudy admitted openly to having tartaric sex, which included staring into each other’s eyes and making out for hours at a time. Good on them! I also admire them for putting those sexy pics up in the bedroom. Nothing like a bit of soft-porn on the wall to put you in the mood.

I just wonder how their poor kids feel about it.