Silent Screaming

Ada Halpern didn’t sleep last night.  Instead she haluscinated solidly for 10 straight hours and for most of the next day. Sometimes in English. Sometimes in Polish. There was nothing we could do. Sleeping pills had no effect.

“Polsk polki polski Bastards” she yelled.

I was vaguely aware that I drifted in and out of sleep, but at 4am I couldn’t take it any more. I thought about strapping my ipod to her head and playing soothing music, to calm her down, and then it dawned on me: Why don’t I put my headphones in my ears to calm me down?

My glands were swollen and I already had a mild fever. As soon as I pumped up Pacabell’s Cannon, to over-ride Ada and the nurses screams, I was gripped by a very clear memory… Of lying in bed at the age of 12 one night, when my parents were still together. Spiritual music was coming from the living room, and being turned up so incredibly loud, that I couldn’t hear myself think let alone sleep. And it just kept going, it didn’t stop, for hours.

I was furious! How inconsiderate of my parents! How dare they! They would have never let me listen to my music this loud this late at night. But instead of confronting them, I just lay there angrily getting night-sweats.

It never occurred to me why they had played their music so loud, nor why it happened more frequently in the months to come. But later I realized it would have been to cover their screams. In their entire 14 years of marriage, my brother and I never saw them fight once.  Not once. 5 months later, they announced their divorce.