Time To Get Physical

Last week, the week before one embarks on a Christmas  / New Year’s eating and drinking spree, two of my Aunt’s Caribbean cares greeted me with a loud chuckle and:

“Ohhh, Ally, you’re getting fat!” and “You got an ass like mine now!”

On both occasions I smiled back, mortified. They didn’t seem to realise this greeting was slightly offensive, especially as it was a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Plus, I was used to Ada telling me I was “perfect.” Her dear demented brain is convinced I am both “tall” and “slim” and she frequently tells me so. She also gestures wildly with her hands the word for “fat” then points to her carers. (Sometime they catch her.)

So that I never have to catch Ada doing that to me, I’ve joined a gym. The New York Sports Club. It’s not fancy, but it does the job. And it’s a hell of a lot warmer than jogging in Central Park.

Did you know that Jerry Seinfeld met his wife in a gym? I’m sure it was a fancy gym, but still… it happens in real life! There’s something that I can’t quiet get my head around about Jessica Seinfeld. She had just come back from her honey moon to a successful Broadway producer, when she met Jerry and decided to trade up. I’m sure she’s only human, but I have a hard time not judging her for this. Thoughts?

Coping Mechanism

- It’s late, dark, cold and I’m the only one on the street heading towards a gang of dodgy looking guys from ‘the hood’ wearing hoodies. I hum the Seinfeld theme tune – something I do to turn scary situations into oddly funny ones.

They let me pass without mugging me, and because of my forced ‘Jovialness’ I notice how funny their baggy pants look, hanging half way down their butts.

- I open my eyes early one morning, and am greeted by Ada’s horrified stare. She has been peeping around the corner staring at me, and has forgotten that I am staying with her and sleeping on her couch. I’m scared she is going to flip out, so I hum the Seinfeld theme song, and the situation seems oddly comical.

- I accidentally walk right in on Ada, pamper’s around ankles and sitting on her porta potty. Our eyes lock – she looks as mortified as me. I flee and hum the Seinfeld theme song.

- I’m in the doctor’s surgery waiting for my Aunt, and a skinny lady with a caramel perm comes to the reception and yells to the staff - ‘You need to put a sign and make men using the bathroom to put the seat down! I refuse to touch the seat! It’s unhygienic! I mean what kind of person leaves the seat up! It is a big health issue! You gotta do something about this!! I am not going to be able to use the toilet here!’
Everyone in the waiting room is staring at this is woman, including my Aunt who is hard of hearing. No Seinfeldian music needed… this is already an episode.

Thank you Larry David.