You're The Voice ...

… of hypocracy?

Ever said one thing, then turned around and done another?

At a recent family wedding in Oz (after a couple of Mojitos) I found myself linking arms in a large circle of extended family and strangers, while singing You’re the Voice by John Farnham.

My brother J-Rad watched on in amusement.

Afterwards he said to me: “Wow. You must experience a lot of cognitive dissonance* in your life.”

He’s not wrong.

I experience as much cognitive dissonance as Julian McMahon and Dannii Minogue would have after making this delightful video:

(They divorced shortly after its release.)

It is true. A few years ago I would have glassed myself before pretending to enjoy Johnny Farnham’s music for the kabillionth time in my life. (Sorry to all you loyal fans out there.)

Why? Because he represents everything I loaaaath about the Australian Culture:

(John Farnham. 'Farnzy')

• His 80’s mullet that he refuses to part with,
  
• His constant reoccurring airplay in every Aussie bar,
  
• His rather moronic nick-name “Farnzy” which rhymes with “Barnzy,” who I actually like.

But there’s more to it than that! To me - he epitomizes the Aussie Cultural Cringe!!! I get the same expression listening to him, that one gets when listening to our politicians speak. Or that one used to get watching the crocodile hunter, before he died and we all realized how much we actually loved him.

(Steve Irwin. RIP Steve)

And that’s the thing about cultural cringing.  It’s rather hypocritical. Like faults that bug you about a friend or family member; at the end of the day - you can’t help having some kind of good sentiment for them, because they make up a part of a whole.

The fact that Farnzy is rather cringe worthy, makes our Australian culture very unique, and there’s something to be said about having a little pride in that.

Alcohol also helps.

If reaching a point in my life where I can openly sing Farnzy without wanting to hurt myself, makes me a hypocrite, then so be it. Just like my father and Kirsty Alley; opinionated people can and do change their minds.

After all, we’re only human.

(Kirsty Alley Makes a vow to shed extra pounds on Oprah)

Mark my words, J-Rad. One day you’ll be far away from the place you are today. Perhaps you’ve had a mojito too many, and Johnny Farnham will start playing. Then Somewhere, deep within the recesses of your pickled little brain, a sense of joy will find a crack and seep into your sole.

After all, we are only Australian.

*Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.

 

Signs of a Food Addict

It’s gotten way out of hand when:

1. The flirtatious Italian man, who owns the pizza place a block away, keeps offering you the keys to his boat.

“Take it out for the afternoon! I won’t come, you can have it all to yourself. Seriously!” he says.

Sure - you may dine there 4 times a week… but couldn’t he just make your pizza free?

2. You are at a bar in Brooklyn with two people who attended Clown College – FOR REAL! These people lead highly unusual lives and interesting conversation is a given!! However there was a taco truck at the back of the bar. Everywhere you look, people are eating burritos.

Despite having eaten just over an hour ago:

Level of concentration and effort in conversation = 0.

Level of thoughts about burritos and and tacos = 23.

So... I’ve decided to go “cold turkey” off both pizza and cheese. And just like not walking down the potato chip isle of a supermarket, it’s actually easier than I thought.

10 days dry and not counting.

Sally Clarke

Sally Clarke is hot and minxy, fantastic at her job, and prone to bogan outbursts - particularly when she’s driving: “get the fuck out of my way!” she’ll yell then burst out laughing. Try as she might she just cannot be mean.

Even if you’ve just swallowed your first born she won’t judge you. And for that reason people tell her all their secrets.

I had the pleasure of sitting opposite her for over 10 hours a day at my old work. We saw each other more than we saw anyone else in our lives.

Every couple of hours, (or every hour on a bad day) we’d catch each other’s eye and ask “Coffee?” which was code for chai lattes and a gossip in one of the kitchenettes. Sometimes we’d discuss which staff members we’d sleep with if we had to choose. Or which staff we’d sleep with if we were gay. Other times we’d cry on each other’s shoulders. (We both went through icky break ups with long term partners around the same time).

But before we really knew each other we were invited to the wrap party for an American Television series that came through our company, called “The Starter Wife,” at Strike Bowling Bar, Gold Coast.

And guess who was at the party? The lead actress - Deborah Messing!

We watched in awe, as our other companion – who knew the Director of Photography, was asked to join Deborah in the VIPs section of the bowling lanes. Suddenly we noticed Miss Messing make a move towards the ladies with her friend.

“Oh my god! I need to pee!” said Sal.

“Yes - me too!” I agreed and we linked arms casually stalking her to the toilets. There were only three stalls. Deborah was drunk and giggling in one and so Sal and I took the other two. There’s nothing like tipsy-peeing next to a Hollywood Celebrity! 

Our pee’s trickled in unison, forming a champagne choir!

Deborah was wasted! She could barely wash her hands. Sal and I did a good job of staying cool, as we washed up in the next basin.

 From that moment on we knew we’d be good friends. And we knew we’d be even better friends, when we realized our shared love for potato chips (crisps).

On my birthday this year, I received a large box in the mail from her. And when I opened it, it was stuffed full of potato chips! Possibly the best present ever.

She gave me her room and her car, on my recent stay in Brisbane, while she attended a wedding in Fiji! Lucky thing. So before she returned I filled her space in the pantry choca’s full of chips!

Even though it’s been almost two years since we’ve worked together, we still often sit on skype. Not always chatting, but just going about our own work, knowing each other are there.

Then every so often we’ll type “So what’s goss?”

And of course…

“What’s your favourite chip?”

Valley Nights

Walking down the crowded drunk streets of Brisbane’s Fortitude Valley, a short tanned girl in a bright red sari approached - in slow motion.

Her sari barely covered a tiny red bikini beneath. She was gorgeous. I knew instantly who she was. Ralph, my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend. (Actually they’ve been together for a while now.) She looked up to see me, and registered vague recognition.

Uggh. It was a tad painful to see, but not completely unbearable.

In Transit

Travelling back to NY... with Kangaroo ball-sack bottle openers!!
(The perfect souvenir)



Had an awesome time. Stay tuned for post wedding round up... (the same day my dad asked me if I was a bisexual!!)

Garfunkel & Oates

I’ve only just discovered these amazing ladies!!!

They are two L.A. actresses (and have been featured in minor roles in loads of big shows, if they look familiar). Together they are Garfunkel & Oates. They write and perform funny songs – mainly about things that have happened to them in real life.

With such titles as:

“Pregnant Women Are Smug”
“My Self Esteem’s Not Low Enough To Date You.”
"One Night Stands"

Theses women are the female answer to Flight of the Concords. (Although they are very unique, so you can't really compare them.)

Here's a peek at some naughty lyrics from their song about a guy who would always bring his friend Steve along on dates:

It’s not that I don’t like your friend,
but how many hours with him can you spend.
And it’s not that I don’t think he’s great,
But it’s only you. Only you...
I want to fellate.

Saw them live in NY and haven’t stop listening to their stuff!!!

Check em:

Taxi Karma

I once refused to get out of a taxi until the taxi driver told me a joke.
(Obnoxious drunk much?)

So it was karma when I hopped into an LA cab late one night, and the driver kept speeding up to cars with women in them, sticking his head out the window, and yelling “Call me baby, call me!”

He was CRAZZY! The first words he uttered to me were "If you want to smoke pot in this car it's fine with me."
Then he kept turning around to talk with me, taking his eyes off the road for looooong periods of time. I was both freaked and kind of amused all at once.

I had no cash so he stopped at a bank. As I walked towards the ATM, he followed me in his cab, arm out the window yelling “Hey baby! What’s your number!” He thought he was hilarious!

I though he was a douche. Thank god the hotel was walking distance from the bank.

And now, before you stop reading… a joke, from comic genius, Anthony Jeselnick:
You don’t know anything about pain – you don’t know ANYTHING about pain, until you’ve seen your own baby, drowned in a tub. And you definitely, don’t know anything, about how to wash a baby. ;)