You Know You're an Aussie in NY when... #5

Tampons! Where are the cute little Libra boxes with funky designs that change with the season? Instead there are only applicator types, that come individually wrapped in the same exact material they use to wrap chocolate bars in.

So now every time I open my handbag I have to fight the urge to rip open a brightly wrapped tampon and eat it.

Tody The Therapy Dog

I was really looking forward having a visit from Tody – the therapy dog. In fact it was going to be the highlight of my week!

Toby is a small dark hairy Daschund who gets so excited by you, he makes you believe that you must be the most amazing person in the world! He dishes out love generously and uses his entire body, to smother you with luscious licks from his eager little tongue. By the end of the visit you feel like a human Chupa Chup, that has been licked right down to the stick.

I’ve been hell bent on getting Ada a therapy dog ever since I noticed she likes it when a cat, dog or baby comes on the tv.
(A welcome distraction from her usual pissed off state.) It wasn’t until I found out Caribbean people are afraid of dogs, and Ada didn’t want any such visitors, that I realised this therapy dog was for me and no one else.

Is it selfish to want a little hairy sausage dog to come visit you on weekends? Even if it is under the guise that it’s helping your Aunt?

I’ve always wanted a dog, but I’m too transient to own one, plus I usually rent. (And the real reason is – I just can’t fathom picking up their warm poop from the ground when ever you take them for a walk.) So I would have to own an agoraphobic dog that didn’t poo, liked moving and could pass as a fish during house inspections.

Not likely. I think I’ll stick to my therapy dog.

Should Sleep More

I’ve averaged about 5 hours sleep for the last 4 nights in a row, which means I’ve weakened my immune system, and will probably get what ever cold or flu is going around. (At least that's what usually happens).

Oh fuck. That would be the KILLER SWINE FLU. That’s just great.

Ada the Cheeky

The other morning Aunt-Ada was sitting in her chair, and I could hear her nurse saying ‘No – Ada don’t swallow. You gotta spit it out!’ Ada hates the weekend nurse, and becomes stubborn and rebellious around her.

It was then I saw that the nurse was holding a cup of chilling green mouth-wash and a bucket to spit in.
Again, she gave Ada a swig of of mouthwash.
Again Ada stared defiantly, swallowing slowly and on purpose.
(I was half laughing half dry-heaving in the kitchen)

The nurse spoke even louder ‘You gotta spit it! Spit it out Ada! Don’t swallow!’

Ada stared with even more malice. A third try was issued.

Ada swallowed.

The nurse shook her head.

Ada had won that battle, (thanks aging taste buds), but the war had just begun.

Naf

Today I feel homeless. Juice spilt in my bag. I made a bad lunch decision. I have no purpose and no where to go. No where I’ve gotta be, which should be the greatest feeling in the world, but for some reason it’s not.

Ada the Movie Star!

After two hours of persuasion, we convinced Ada she must pay her carers, and therefore make a trip to the bank. So we dressed her like a movie star, to make her feel better. It was fun! Like playing dolls, only this one is life sized and can speak Polish. They should make ‘granny’ dolls for Barbie. You can dress them in their amazing vintage wardrobes, they have collected over their life-time, back when clothes were made to last.

We chose black tights, little red shoes, a black and white check jacket - that I would totally wear! We fixed a broach to it, gave her a silk scarf and a huge fur coat – that some poor animal gave their life for. To top the outfit off: a cream and black beret, shocking red lipstick, and a huge set of circular round sunglasses. It was soo cool! But you have to admit, she looked a little ridiculous. Especially being wheeled around the streets. She certainly turned heads.

It was the first time she’s left the apartment in over a month.

Fears?

My worst fears in general are
- being eaten by a shark
- getting cancer from the years of eating potato crisps …. (so apparently they have cancer causing caseinogens)
- having regrets

Other more pressing fears are:
- that I will have to get a job thanks to how much I’m spending on food alone
- that I will sabotage my career through procrastination and endless blogging

Fears in the back of my mind:
- that if I don’t have kids, I will regret it, and if I do have the little buggers, I might resent them if I have to give up my freedom

What are your worst fears?