Bathing Ada

Asking Ada to take a bath is kind of like trying to lick your elbow. It’s tricky … and seemingly impossible, and you feel like a bit of a knob. “Don’t be stupid! You must think I’m an idot!” she will yell.

But the other morning we were able to trick her into the bathroom to take a bath, and before I knew it she was stark naked, and I was helping get her nappy off her ankles (something I thought I’d never do!)

Fact: When you get old, you become a little kid again. You don’t care who sees you naked.

Her body was white, hairless, soft and full, draped with thin wrinkly skin, like that of an albino scrotum.
And her boobs - although fallen, were round and full like two water balloons inside a thin seamless case. Her nipples seemed to have disappeared completely.

Looking at her body was like looking at a little kids body. It’s kind of alien, and you don’t think of it with any kind of emotion - just mild curiosity.

Usually she weeps like a baby when being forced to bath, but today she is solem, and sits. Ada’s carers grab her tits and tell her that her girls were in good shape!

It’s time for her to wash her bits… and I’m out of there. That’s enough for me to handle in one day.

Things that go aye! in the night

Lot’s has happened at home lately. Ada’s new drugs have had some strange side effects. For the last four nights, I’ve been woken up and had to help the nurse lift poor Ada off the floor. (Not easy.. and some times quiet funny, because we’d accidentally end up throwing her face down on the bed). I know it doesn’t sound funny, but when you see two pyjama clad women, trying to manoeuvre an old Jewish lady who is making dramatic grunts while sporting bed-hair that rivals Amy Whinehouse or an angry Muppet, it must look a funny sight.

Persistence pays

Today I almost gave up, and contemplated committing suicide by ice-cream at Ben and Jerries… but thankfully a healthy dose of persistence meant I’ve lived through a day of Jeans Shopping.

I tried on over 30 pairs of jeans, with a try : fits : looks_ok ratio of 30 : 3 : 1.

BTW, it has dawned on me a truth, that I suspected last time I was here, but can now confirm…Australia is ahead of fashion in NY (by about a year). And to be completely honest… Melbourne has better shopping. There. I said it. I can’t believe it’s true. It takes a lot of guts to admit this. Jeez!!

Coping Mechanism

- It’s late, dark, cold and I’m the only one on the street heading towards a gang of dodgy looking guys from ‘the hood’ wearing hoodies. I hum the Seinfeld theme tune – something I do to turn scary situations into oddly funny ones.

They let me pass without mugging me, and because of my forced ‘Jovialness’ I notice how funny their baggy pants look, hanging half way down their butts.

- I open my eyes early one morning, and am greeted by Ada’s horrified stare. She has been peeping around the corner staring at me, and has forgotten that I am staying with her and sleeping on her couch. I’m scared she is going to flip out, so I hum the Seinfeld theme song, and the situation seems oddly comical.

- I accidentally walk right in on Ada, pamper’s around ankles and sitting on her porta potty. Our eyes lock – she looks as mortified as me. I flee and hum the Seinfeld theme song.

- I’m in the doctor’s surgery waiting for my Aunt, and a skinny lady with a caramel perm comes to the reception and yells to the staff - ‘You need to put a sign and make men using the bathroom to put the seat down! I refuse to touch the seat! It’s unhygienic! I mean what kind of person leaves the seat up! It is a big health issue! You gotta do something about this!! I am not going to be able to use the toilet here!’
Everyone in the waiting room is staring at this is woman, including my Aunt who is hard of hearing. No Seinfeldian music needed… this is already an episode.

Thank you Larry David.

Mail, Scandals and Wifely Duties on the Kitchen Floor

One night I decided to come home early, before heading out for the night. I brought the mail up, and when I entered, Jean ushered me into the kitchen, hiding me and the mail from Ada. Woops! – I’m not supposed to show Ada the mail or she hides it! As I was crouching in the kitchen, Jean started to tell me about Ada’s late husband Jack. And of the scandalous marriage they had! Jack and Ada would always look like movie stars everywhere they went. But apparently, Jack frequently ‘had other women.’ And would leave Ada in the evenings….. to get a hooker! He would feel women up in the elevator, who lived in their apartment building. He even left for 3 years for someone else many years back (I am shocked!).

Ada always says she never made a good house wife. She refused to cook, clean and apparently… have sex.
Jean said she would tell Ada – ‘Ada, you gotta be doing your wifely duties!’

Hearing about how much a person ‘puts out’ is a great way to really know them better - even if you didn’t want to know. Of course I have no idea why or what was going on, how much is true, or why I needed to be privy to such information, but I do think it’s funny how Jean sees sex in marriage as a duty. And as long as it works both ways… maybe it is?

(Although… since when do peops in relationships have matching sex drives? That’s one thing Father-nature didn’t think through too well.)

You Know You're an Aussie in NY when... #4

You know you’re an Aussie in NY when you ask for a lemon lime and bitters at the bar, and the barman says "you want what? A lemon lime and Guinness?"

More on Ada

It’s not easy to get to know a ‘two-faced’, bipolar, 86 year old woman, who has dementia and is on serious medication.
But that’s my Great-Aunt Ada, and you don’t have to like someone to love them.

In any given day, she can throw a temper tantrum, go back in time to her childhood, laugh and make jokes, be manically depressed or sleep all day.

But something that remains constant is her penchant for drama!

In the mornings, Jean will ask Ada ‘How are you today?’
Ada might reply ‘Waiting to die!’

(It is very hard to keep a straight face here)

Jean will bring Ada her food, and say ‘Here my sweet! Eat your breakfast.’
Ada will turn to Jeanette and say ‘You will kill me!’
(Ada thinks the nurses are trying to poison her.)

Yet on other days, she says ‘Thank you my love. I am very lucky.’

Sometimes, her face will be looking really strange and oddly comical, and then you’ll notice she is holding her dentures in her hand.

I love the way she laughs when she realises she’s speaking Polish to us, and we don’t understand. So she says it again in English – only she’s actually still speaking Polish, but can’t tell the difference in her mind.

Most mornings, Ada wakes up and complains about her body aching (we don’t feel sorry for her, because she has been complaining all her life, and she refuses to exercise.) But the other morning, she was in a good mood, and I could hear her saying to Jean in her thick Polish accent “when ever I see that, I want to bite it…. Because it looks like chocolate!’
There was a long pause, and I wondered what she was looking at.
Then Jean said ‘The phone?’
‘Ya!’